@Bluestmoon_

78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

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@nyquills

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

@Jake_Vig

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

@lazerdoov

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

@StephenAtHome

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

@PorkUrPine

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@jkstills

*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*

@Rica_Bee

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

@floor_killer

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.