78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

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Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.


What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”


*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker


The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.


CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.


God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this


*takes call from mom*

*puts mom on speaker*

*cleans entire house*


Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird



I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.