[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
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I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless