@MissNaughty1801

7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?

7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?

- @MissNaughty1801

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@matt___nelson

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

@truegritrumble

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

@dog_feelings

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

@NJFreudian

Which doesnt belong?

Camel
Polar Bear
Obama
Buffalo

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East

@jwoodham

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

@claire_mudie

Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.

@2questionable

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”