7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?

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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.


BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way


Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.


*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*


[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week


She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me


Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.


I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.


What’s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

Asking for my two year old.


wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No