SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.
…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.