@FatherWithTwins

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

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@sweetg35

I’m always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.

@PowKapowBoom

If I get kidnapped, I’ll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.

@jonmsutton

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

@Tuna_Lover

I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@krisv_723

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

@Mike_Wrong

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

@morganastra

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”