7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

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I’m always caught between a rock and someone I want to throw it at.


If I get kidnapped, I’ll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.


Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay


I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.


If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.


Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”


you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”


“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”