@outsmartedmommy

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

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@novicefather

“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.

@pauleggleston

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

@truegritrumble

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

@fro_vo

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

@aveuaskew

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

@boring_as_heck

“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.

@drinksmcgee

They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.