“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
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I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.
They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.