@outsmartedmommy

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

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@SimoneSpringer

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

@SwanieChicken

Started as a twitter crush, moved on to twitter boyfriend, now he’s my twitter husband.
Honeymooning on Google+ so we can be alone.

@moneebthinks

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

@Becky_DDB

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@AngryRaccoon2

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.