@mommajessiec

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

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@copymama

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

@FlyJ_

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

@iwearaonesie

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

@AndyAsAdjective

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

@sonictyrant

ME (the manager): Lets get your barista name badge sorted. Do you spell Robert with a Q or a Z?

@missekay

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

@AmericanGent69

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

@EtobicokeErnie

Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

@notviking

her: we even finish each other’s s-
me: -omebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed she was looki

@ojedge

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]