@mommajessiec

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

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@mc_funbags

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

@AmberTozer

If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me

@Shen_the_Bird

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@writerPT

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

@markedly

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

@jenstatsky

FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

@Fred_Delicious

Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

@underchilde

Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it’s a seance and you’re dead.