@mommajessiec

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

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@TheMichaelRock

A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.

@LorieGZ

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

@man_spach

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

@CAshmanActor

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

@badbanana

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

@CourtneyBale

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

@floor_killer

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@Megatronic13

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets