A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets