7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.