Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
smartest karate player in the world
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?