7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
#milo
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”