7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Ron is short for Aaronald
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer