7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
August 8
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
good for her
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me: