7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
you will never know the true number of layers
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.