Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.