@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

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@fridaycandy

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

@ewfeez

The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole

@Jonesy_donkey

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

@McClaneJohn2

Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.

@Brampersandon_

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

@bossy_bootz

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

@DaddyJew

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

@SwaGGTheRapper

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

@Carbosly

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.