7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .


The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole


My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.


Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.


*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch


Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go


*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend


I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”


As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.