@Jenn_H_Scott

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

@MarcusTheToken

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

@surrealvehicle

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

@FeelingMervis

I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.

@MrSpoonicorn

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

@BastardProphet

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

@robfee

If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.

@abhorrent_wife

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

@WilliamAder

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

@mommy_cusses

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”