7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Simple enough.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!