I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“can i dim the lights
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”