7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now