7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

You Might Also Like


Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]


I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!


My husband and I draw straws on Valentineโ€™s Day to decide who has to be on top.


when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something


Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”


No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch


I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.


Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions


Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.