@KateWhineHall

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

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@rolldiggity

Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]

@WornOutMommy

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

@sixfootcandy

My husband and I draw straws on Valentineโ€™s Day to decide who has to be on top.

@ramenfuneral

when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something

@RachelMComedy

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

@internetmo

No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch

@titusbb

I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.

@underchilde

Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:

1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions

@samdunsiger

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.