@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

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@thenatewolf

I saw a woman with the same haircut as me the other day and I wanted to be like “Same haircut!” but I didn’t because no matter what kind of day she’s having she doesn’t need that right now.

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

@jazz_inmypants

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car 🙂

Guy from UP: my wife died.

Everyone:

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

@MmeJey

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

@aimlessamers

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

@Wine_Honey1

People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen

@Playing_Dad

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.