7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
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Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
New menu item
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up