7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
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This makes total sense…
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
#parenting
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders