@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

You Might Also Like

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@albz

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

@WheelTod

“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.

@TheMichaelRock

Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

@sofarrsogud

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

@gibbet

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

@notnotscotty

what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form

@_iamalik

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

@robdelaney

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.