Me: I’m going to take a nap.
My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
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Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.
Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
what if there is no placebo effect and sugar is just really healthy in pill form
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.