A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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