So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
🤣🤣💀
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?