7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I want this so bad
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet