7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!


How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE


So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you


you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor


Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.


[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.


[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby