@ericsshadow

7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.

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@AmishPornStar1

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

@ChickenColeman

How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE

@Ten_Toes_7

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

@eedrk

you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor

@OverlyManlyMann

Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.

@DanMentos

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@amydillon

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

@thedad

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby