50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?