7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.