@PS_IRuddYou

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

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@HardmanRick

Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Oh my… not that close. I can’t breathe. How are you so strong? LET ME GO TINY DANCER

@jamdugg

*in ambulance*

Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?

Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…

Me: *dies*

@tastefactory

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

@discoken

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

@pilau

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”