7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

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My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.


If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left


Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.


cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important


Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!


I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.


What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?



I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.


Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.


[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury