@TheGoodGodAbove:

@TragicAllyHere: If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

@Home_Halfway: Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you're fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn't originally realize.

@Dr_awfulpants: [Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

@InternetHippo: SCIENTISTS: We've discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities ME: Ok wow I'm right here