@MissNaughty1801

7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?

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@archerenemy

Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…

@krismuscookie

*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*

@better_off_dad

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

@KeetPotato

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

@noogscorner

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

@SheBanggs

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

@ItsDanSheehan

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.