HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?
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If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .