@MissNaughty1801

7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?

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@clichedout

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

@IamEveryDayPpl

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@sarcasticmommy4

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

@msdanifernandez

No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

@Tacet_no_more

When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is

@Donna_McCoy

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@fridaycandy

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .