Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…
7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?
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*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.