@MissNaughty1801
@clichedout
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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@clichedout
@IamEveryDayPpl
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
@sarcasticmommy4
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
@msdanifernandez
No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.
@XplodingUnicorn
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
@Nikkeya08
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
@Tacet_no_more
When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
@Donna_McCoy
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
@ch000ch
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
@fridaycandy
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .