@HousewifeOfHell: My daughter told me I'm "slightly prettier than Ben Franklin," so I have that going for me.

@RandomlyMJ: Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

@joejwest: [roulette] ME: [slaps table] 50 on red CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

@HeatherLuvsYou: "Laughter is the best medicine" -doctor who failed med school

@suziqkelley: I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.