8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.