I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
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Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Ha
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist