He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?