@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

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@SteveSuckington

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

@TheRealNickKay

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

@LackOfShame

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

@_CremDelaEm

He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.

Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.

@BigJDubz

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

@jake_lach

Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

@Adar79Angie

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

@ibid78

I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”