8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.