If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes