@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

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@Heather2Go

To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.

@3sunzzz

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

@ddsmidt

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@SteveSackington

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

@Brianhopecomedy

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

@rn_murse

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes