8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
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Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.