8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
sistine chapel
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*