”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
🙋♀️
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.