There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me trying to “trust the process”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
She: I like Cats
He:
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”