8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Potatoes were such a good idea
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings