8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Smells like a challenge to me
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool