8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Netflix and you sit over there.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.