@Mr_Kapowski

8: I’m scared of monsters under my bed

Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear

8: MOM!

Wife: ZACK!

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@Karate_Horse

[robbery in progress in the store I’m at]
*quickly remembers training from karate school*
*bows to robber*
*is kicked in head so hard*

@P_o_n_k

MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha

@Lanecat2

My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know

@Love_bug1016

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

@ShellHasNoName

Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses

@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@TheMichaelRock

Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES

@BrettDruck

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

@notIena

my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color

@MehrangizC

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..