WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
You can’t rush stupid.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.