8: I’m scared of monsters under my bed

Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear

8: MOM!

Wife: ZACK!

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[robbery in progress in the store I’m at]
*quickly remembers training from karate school*
*bows to robber*
*is kicked in head so hard*


MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha


My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know


therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out


Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses


All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES


I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.


my next relationship better be my last because i’m tired of telling guys my favorite color


That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..