8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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Is….Is this an option?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!