8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.