8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
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911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”