*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says “WHAT THE HELL WHERE’S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS”
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Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.
“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Willy Wonka is a Batman villain with good lawyers.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.