*8 months later*

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ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive


There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.


If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.


If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.


When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.


little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths


Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.


First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming


Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?