*8 months later*

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*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says “WHAT THE HELL WHERE’S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS”


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”


ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?



If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.


if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover


Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.


Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.