@RachaelHoops

*8 months later*

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@akmalshamil

*goku flies into the sunset* not knowing how the sun and earth really work he says “WHAT THE HELL WHERE’S THAT SUNSET BEEN FLYING FOR DAYS”

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@Kernsti

Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”

@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@koalaslament

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

@einsteinsexual

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.