8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Erm…
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”