@Lisabug74

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

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@scottthetwat

Drug sniffing dogs are wrong 80 percent of the time. You would be too if you were sniffing drugs all day.

@AsgardianRose

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

@Georoyo

Marc Anthony jeans at Kohl’s come in three cuts – tuberculosis, heroin addict and skeletor.

@taramae72

Ladies, do you think you’re hip and cool? Do you think you’re stylish? If so, having a teenage daughter may help clear these delusions from your head.

@TragicAllyHere

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

@sonictyrant

English gangsters be like “Listen here my darling little G this delightful nook of absolute heaven is our area of residence and there’s simply no place for someone who was clearly born out off wedlock, …do you comprehend me my G”

@PanicRestroom

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

@LosLos__

My Wife’s nickname for me is “Microsoft” because I’m good with computers.

RIGHT HONEY?

Hold on guys, she’s not done laughing.