Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.
To the other two….
Hi, I’m MJ
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In America she’s called “Miley” Cyrus, but in other countries she’s called “What America would be like if it were a person”.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Take me Hoooome
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity