8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ

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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.


They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.


If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Tiny Dancer”. Bears love that song.


Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes


Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad


She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.


“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”


date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street


SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough


ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours