@RandomlyMJ

8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ

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@Gupton68

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

@TheDailySchmuck

They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.

@delusions_of

If attacked by a bear play dead. If that doesn’t work play “Tiny Dancer”. Bears love that song.

@Wakenbake77

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

@FatherWithTwins

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

@TheNardvark

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

@david8hughes

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

@_coryrichardson

date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street

@Doughbvy

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours