I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.