Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.