“If all your friends jumped”
“But if they”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
For lunch today I ate three lunches.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?