8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Friends that check up on you >
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Dear Lord..
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Expect the unexporcupine.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day