8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.