@eliserose5

8 out of 6 people think I’m terrible at math.

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@Tmoney68

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

@wildethingy

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

@iLikeCatShirts

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

@BigFriendlyGrub

I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything turns it into an antidepressant. 🧀

@vanessaetweets

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

@ThisLocalHater

How do you tell someone that you want to set them on fire but like without hurting their feelings

@iknownaama

my cousin’s teacher did the “would you die in the Holocaust?” trick with his class. he pointed my cousin out and said he wouldn’t die cause he’s blonde so he could pass as a Nazi. so my cousin said the teacher has brown hair and eyes just like Hitler & now he’s suspended lmaooo

@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.