8 out of 6 people think I’m terrible at math.

You Might Also Like


me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?


Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]

Me: discrimination


My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.


The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems


Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper


My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them


Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to



My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.


Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”