@eliserose5

8 out of 6 people think I’m terrible at math.

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@PaperWash

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]

Me: discrimination

@NYC_Blonde

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

@Token_Geezer

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

@david8hughes

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

@skittle624

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”