me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
8 out of 6 people think I’m terrible at math.
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”