I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
do what now??
can’t catch a break
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I would like even faster food.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.