8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
You Might Also Like
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Previously On Persistence 😎
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me recordaron éste meme
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.